Reading my past posts, I have to realised the reason for boy's wierd comment which seems to have no link. But, after a quick thought, I got links back to his/her comment.

Actually, the fact that I wrote the previous post, shows that I know I have lots of people behind me, standing by me, caring for me. However, I feel that there can never be enough people to care about one person.(Thanks Kelvin for teaching me this.) Care is given unconditionally and we can get unlimited care from unlimited people.(Woei Tang taught me this. Thank you.) Even a stranger can get your care and concern.(And I want to thank Hans for teaching me that.) If you cared enough to read properly, there are actually clear signs that I knew it before that previous post. By the way, status is not given, like what you said. Status is rightfully recognised by yourself. If you feel good enough to be a king, nobody can deny that. You will always be a king of yourself if you believe in it enough. Also, reputation is built up and not given. It does not matter much whether you have a reputation or not. It's your own actions that counts most in the end. It's your integrity you have to answer to rather than your reputation. Your reputation can't be messed up, it can only be tarnished. Pray, do tell me who do you think that SHE is? Or that she thinks she is? All I know is that, she thinks that she is herself? Is that a crime? If so, please feel free to sue her or something. If you think that by thinking that she is herself, she is wrong, then I feel sad for there is another sheep amongst us.

So, this is what I will get if I don't explain myself. Such a sad and sadly, irritating thing too. Well, like Adam, and all of us, always say, choices have consequences. Doesn't matter, I shall have to type extra for the souls out there. Hey, at least I have an excuse to use the computer longer. Then, maybe people will understand better.

Gosh, I succumb too well to PRESSURE. Guess all I can do is to PUSH back. Hope there won't be any casualties, and if there are, that's sad then for it won't be me because I promised Kelvin korkor that I will take care of myself while he's away. Should have asked him to get me something from Genting. Back to the topic, as to schools nowadays, it's no wonder parents want to let their children be home-tutored. Good thing I went to schools, if not, I probably won't have enough exposure to people of the future society. Amazingly, people who have some substance, would be in high places and not shit-holes. What a sad world. The skies are so grey.

a mistake/ top

Something struck me today.

If I were to faint somewhere familiar (e.g. school, home) I probably won't get to live long. I realise that if the hospital staff ask my friends and parents and so on about my medical condition, they would just say that I was all healthy before that. Recalling back on what I watched on "My forest, my home", when Sophie was admitted to hospital, the doctor asked William lots of questions, none of which he could answer. Now, applying that onto my life, it probably would happen too. Of course, when it happens, I hope to never wake up to it. I would just get some lectures about why I didn't tell them about myself and everything. Having blogged so many entries, I feel quite retarded as to elaborating so much on the details but I realised that it is only important that I can remember them. Who cares about small details about me anyway? Most people don't even care enough to remember who I am. Many don't even care if I die. Most of the people won't even get to see my face ever. Who am I to elaborate?

I realise another thing that, if I die, nobody would mourn for me. It's even possible that nobody would cry, for I'm just another person who appears and then dissappear in everybody's life. one who doesn't make much or any impact. One who nobody cares. They only care that I was there for them once and listen to them and that's about it. Not that I hate that. In fact, I've come to like and appreciate it. At least people feel that I'm worthy enough for them to share their secrets with. I guess that's good enough for me.

In my case, I think I would jsut need someone to be there, not even physically. I think up till now, even a stranger who smiles would sort of brighten my day. How amusing, especially when I have always thought that there need to be some kind of link between each other before someone's day is brightened. Regardless of that, I think I have to re-think about my purpose and my life. (For those who are lost, I'm sorry. But like I said, I'm going to be damn mean and NOT elaborate lest people say I bitch too much. Plus, I just simply want to be unreasonable and NOT elaborate.) Such a sad case.

I guess, sometimes, the lonely needs to feel welcomed and the popular needs to take a break from the world. The sad needs to feel happy and the happy needs to recollect on the sad past. The independent needs to let go and fall back and the dependent just got to learn to stand on their own. I need to be on my own and I got to learn to fall back. Ironic again.

People surrounds,
4 million souls.
Somehow I feel,
All too alone.
I'm like that,
What can you say.
You can say nothing,
For this is my life.
You can't say anything,
For you don't know me at all.

I just thought of something. I wonder, in the whole wide world, is there somebody who knows me other than myself. The current answer that I got, none. The closest person which I can think of who 'knows' me best, is not even remotely close to knowing me. Guess people are just like that. They defend for they are afraid to lose. It's sad, ain't it?

a mistake/ top

Once again, the thoughts return. The exact thoughts which I fear might haunt me for the rest of my life. The thoughts which I had done my best to suppress. Thoughts which I want permanently erased from my memory. However, it does seems that I've failed.

A smile, a laugh, all seems to be so strained but I can just make it come out so naturally from my mouth. My acting skills have gone up a notch again? My mind, it's so complicated, it's so vulnerable. What more do I have to go through. I don't want to rant and rave to people or on my blog like other people. I wish I cna just clear my mind of evrything that had ever happened. how I want to start all over again. Right from the start I knew I didn't want my life to be like that. But I can't change it, can I? I don't want to be fake. But it seems now, that it's in my life.

My life looked back at me. It seems like a joke. I feel like a joke. One which purpose is to make others laugh. A jester probably has a better life than me. Life to others is of utmost importance. So is it to me. But somehow, it just doesn't seem to agree.

For God's sake, I'm still sick. not one day I had lived since SK3 closing have I recovered. My heart seems heavier after IAG3. God has blessed my with the wonderful people in my life. But payment always seems to arrive too quickly. I just wish He can give me some discount. At least credit card payment arrives at the end of the month. But His payment, arrives almost instantly. It's almost like the equal trade stated in Full-metal Alchemist. Equal trade, why of all people, do I have to that person who understands what it meant? I guess it doesn't matter since I have already survived 16 years of that. Sometimes, I wonder about the validity of my age. Sometimes, I just feel so much older than others either older than me or of the same age.

I'm afraid. I'm really scared. But nobody knows. I'm not even sure they would care because I'm not the 1st person they think of to laugh with, instead 1st to complain to. Maybe it's because they know that I won't tell it out. Maybe it's because they know that they can rant and rave at me without me interrupting them. How I wish I can do that to someone.

I'm tired of my chest pains. I'm tired of my joint pains. I'm tired of all the aches I get. I'm tired of my life. If only I can take a day off from my life. I'm so tired I can do nothing but sleep all day. Sometimes I just feel that I'm better off dead. It does seems so now that those thoughts came back. Lights downstairs are indeed very pretty, especially when you are standing alone high up, feeling so lonely, feeling so out, that you want to join the lights, as soon as possible. Thoughts of me jumping down, thoughts of me touching those lights, it's not like I've done it. All I lack is the courage to tell myself to put everything behind. I'm afraid that my friends would be affected. I'm afraid that my parents would be affected. Even though another part of my mind tells me that they wouldn't care.

Yiting, I'm tired of waiting for him to open his mouth and tell me what he wants to say. I'm sick of having to worry about how to go about telling him so that he gets the minimum hurt. I'm really tired. Guess what, he has new things to talk about again. According to Yen Ling, he collaborated with Priya saying that she is trying to stop me from doing what he told you to tell me to do.

I feel sick. Much as I know I'm not. It's been a month and my cough is still there. Perhaps it's here to stay? I don;t have any energy left. I just want to die and that's not because I'm trying to be emo.

a mistake/ top

I'm supposed to sleep early. However, I still feel that I shouldn't do that. Instead, I should make myself as tired as possible before going to bed. Hope that it doesn't mean I would have to stay up really late, for I'm more of a night person.

I yearn for a person to talk to
I yearn for a person to rant to
I yearn for a person to rave to
I yearn for alot of things
I yearn to have someone to be be always there
I yearn to have my way with everything
I yearn to have my way with everyone
I yearn to stop having to consider too much
I yearn to stop thinking
I yearn to stop worrying unneccessarily
I yearn to stop everything in its tracks
I yearn to concentrate on something for once
I yearn to have my own
I yearn to be like everybody else
I yearn to have my life to myself
I yearn to make the world revolve around me
I yearn to have someone to lead me for once
I yearn to have someone I can always count on
I yearn to have someone to hold me
I yearn to have someone to tell me to stop
I yearn to have...

But
I know I don't

I'm not even sure what I want
What right do I have to yearn
What right do I have to ask people of things
when I, myself can't provide for myself
What for do I want when I have what I need
What should I wish for?
For someone?
For something?
For what?
For myself?
For you?
For others?

I should really stop thinking
My brain is seriously working overtime
But it just can't stop
When it want to
Sub-conscious will take over
Sleep helps but little
Semi-conscious state is ultimately what I need
But I think I have become immune to its effects too
I like being semi-conscious
Sometimes, for once, I can see myself
I can worry just for myself
I can care for no others but myself
I can do things just for myself
that I, myself is the greatest

Perhaps I should go along with things
Let things happen according to how people expect
Expect me to compromise with them again and again
Expect me to help them always
Expect me to be there for them
Expect me to live with ttheir antics
Expect me to tolerate
Expect me to understand them always

Little do they know
How little, I wonder
Do I mean to the world
I can mean everything to the world
But ultimately?
I feel that I mean nothing in my own life
I'm like but a unknown figure passing through my own life
A life full of everybody else but me
Somewhere I'm just being different but don't stand out

I think I need a doctor
My chest hurts once again
It feels really tight
My dad said he had similar experience
But I'm afraid
I'm afraid that like him, I will have high blood pressure
I'm afraid of what my own life may bring
It's become so unpredictable
so much so that I don't know what will happen anymore
I may be able to predict for others
But for my own?
I just simple feel helpless
Who hasn't felt helpless before?
I had felt guilty when Kalai told us that Trina felt helpless
I had known that feeling myself
I understand totally how that feels
Why shouldn't I?

I was told to be independant when I was 6
I was told of the evils of the worlds when I was 6
I learnt that I will be alone when I was 8
I knew that nobody will help me when I was 9
I started making friends with helplessness when I was 4
I taught myself to overcome my fears when I was 5
I told myself that I had to believe in myself when I was 7
I taught myself to learn from everybody and everything that happened when I was 7
I realised that I'm most important to myself when I was 10
Ironically, what I went through in my sixteenth year during adam khoo's workshop
Was what I had taught myself over the years

Matured for my age?
I think not
I prefer to think that I think too much
I just want to be like others
Be more normal
Just be a little more sheep-like
Just behave like some spoilt brat
Just caring about myself
But I realise that its just not possible
Not that I can't do it
But just I can't bring myself to do it

I'm but another lost sheep
How do you expect me to lead you out?
While you're trying to figure youorself out
I had to help you
not because I had done my part
But because you need me to
Through relationship sharing
I realised that I feel nothing
about participants' parents quarelling
about how they feel when it happens
about how their siblings scold them for "no" reason
about the things that happen in their life
of which I thought was minute compared to others

Somehow, I just couldn't stop crying when I shared my story
If I'm not wrong, Woeitang probably was surprised that I was crying so hard
Can't blame him
He's used to seeing me simply smile at everything
or at least not crying
maybe just a tear or two
He probably thinks that I'm just like any other people
With a wonderful life of luxury
Well, he won't know
nobody would

People probably envy my life
that I get so many luxuries
so what?
Nobody knows what I've been through
Nobody knows what I am
Nobody knows how I'm like actually
Its really hard
to sudednly tell people how you had felt throughout the years
to suddenly have to let them realise that there are people out there worse than them
to suddenly have to make them feel guilty
I'm drained, physically
but mentally
I feel that I'm too strong even for my own good
It's bad
just real bad

I think I need help of some sort
Not those empty-headed listening ear type
But more of those more professional ones
That shall be decided on a later date
I need to stop recalling
I need to stop sounding like some stupid bitch raving and ranting
about their lives when it's all perfect

With a full-stop
I shall stop
No more words
No more thoughts
Those are but extra stuff
Which will add on to my pile.

a mistake/ top

Something tells me that I should change my blogskin, but I'm really lazy to go find something that's nice and attractive to me. Also, I haven't completed my week's and its end's homework. So, I think that I should put in more effort into doing my homework first before coming to change my blogskin. Suddenly, I think I rememebered telling myself that I will change my blogskin every month or something like that, but all I can say now is that, it will just have to depend on the situation. Sometimes, I just feel tired. Nevertheless, i still have to re-charge myself. And, I suddenly realised that I havn't gone to see Mr Leong, something I'm like supposed to do by last week.

Nevermind. I have more important things in my mind which I realise I have to decide and then push it to the back of my mind before I can do anything else. I feel that I should decide on my issue with coaching in December camps. I have realised that after coaching for June camps, that I might not want to go back to coach again, despite my great love for coaching. I know that I'm not the kind of person who would be willing to put everything away just so that I can focus on my passion. Yes, I really enjoy and love coaching but there are just certain issues that I just cannot forgo. And I'm not in the position to feedback to them about it because I know that I will or already did that somtimes. Thinking back on what Woei Tang said during the last night in apartment, "World Cup happens once every 4 years, but for the participants, this might happen only once in their lifetime." Too bad, this was the sentence which got me all assured that I need to revise my own decision. Not because of how Woei Tang says it or that what he's saying is wrong. But, I feel that Joshua, Stacie, Ervin, Alan and I shouldn't be the only people who get to hear this. But everybody needs to understand it. Even Woei Tang himself. Participants might be important but I feel that they need to realise that nobody lives FOR them.

Ultimately, I have no idea if I would really want to go back coaching or not. I just sucked at making decisions because I will just be constantly weighing the pros and cons, and everything just gets very complicated. I really don't want to go back there having the same feeling as I did all over again. I don't want to go there knowing that I will get the same thing all over again. I don't want to go there realising that anything little thing will make me falter in my choice of path. I don't want to have to make myself feel the same way again and again. I don't want myself to regret my decisions again. I don't want to have to be there for everything just because I have to help others. I don't to have to sort myself out again. I ultimately don't want to have to cry again.

A small note to Hwei Ting: I don't know if you would ever see this, but thanks for the concern that you've showed me. As for your question, the answer was yes, but I just didn't want Jeff to know. And if you think that you're nto trustworthy, you are. But the strongest person still feels afraid, and his/her natural reaction is always to cover it up. I really thank you for your concern.

I know what I want. I know what I want to do. I know what I like. I know what I love. But I just can't seem to overcome my fears. Yes, if I can't, then I must. But things aren't always as simple as that, life's really not just about focusing on your outcome. Life's is more about how you focus on your outcome and how you bend when problems appear. I don't want to have to convince myself that my decision is correct. I don't want to do what I did during IAG3 ever again. But, if I go back coaching, the same thing would just happen because I do it evry night in the apartment, it's just that nobody knows. I simply finish and clear up, then console myself and brace myself for the 'outer' world. I always seem to live for others, and that is really tiring. But, I guess this is me, I just have to do that, until I master how to live for myself. IAG3 rocked loads, but beneath the glorious ongoings, there are just somethings which would be preferred to be kept under wraps. It's always so disheartening when I start having negative views but still have to bring myself up and tell myself that evrything's going to be alright. Sometimes, I wish that I'm retarded or that I'm an immature brat. That is just so much better for they lead happier lives than me, well, at least they don't trouble themselves with such complex thoughts.

Choices have consequences, that I know from even before I'm 10. That's all that have been plaguing me and hindering in my process of deciding matters. I'm fed up by all my thoughts and the only thing that can help me is myself. Being able to help my dad is NOT something which I'm particularly proud of. I just want to be be able to think less and do more. I don't want to regret what I've decided.

Note to Yen Ling: He seems to notice something or that he seems to have realise something. Maybe he had worked out something on his own or that something just clicked, but I will stand by my decision. I maintain that he is not to know about it.

I don't want to have the re-make my decision. I don't want to learn that I'm not going to make it. I don't want to have to depend on others. I don't want to have the thoughts I finally got rid of for two years. I don't want to have to do what I need. I don't want to have to lice to myself again. I don't want to put myself to another test. I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to help others when I can't even do something right myself. I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to learn that I'm good at what I feel I'm good at. I don't want to be guessing everything right. I don't want to "feel" again. I don't want to learn again. I don't want to learn more about anything I don't need. I don't want to make myself accept everything. I don't want to make myself do what I know I need to. I don't want to make my own decisions. I don't want to tell myself what I should do. I don't want to have history repeat itself again and again. I don't want to lie to myself anymore.

I really want to out everything down. Now, I'm really, really, ultimately shagged. I just want to stop my thinkings, my decision-makings. I shall stop, and hope that my brain stops thinking with the end of this post. Which I, myself, know that it's not possible, but at least it will convince itself to shut down so that I can rest.

a mistake/ top