I'm supposed to sleep early. However, I still feel that I shouldn't do that. Instead, I should make myself as tired as possible before going to bed. Hope that it doesn't mean I would have to stay up really late, for I'm more of a night person.

I yearn for a person to talk to
I yearn for a person to rant to
I yearn for a person to rave to
I yearn for alot of things
I yearn to have someone to be be always there
I yearn to have my way with everything
I yearn to have my way with everyone
I yearn to stop having to consider too much
I yearn to stop thinking
I yearn to stop worrying unneccessarily
I yearn to stop everything in its tracks
I yearn to concentrate on something for once
I yearn to have my own
I yearn to be like everybody else
I yearn to have my life to myself
I yearn to make the world revolve around me
I yearn to have someone to lead me for once
I yearn to have someone I can always count on
I yearn to have someone to hold me
I yearn to have someone to tell me to stop
I yearn to have...

But
I know I don't

I'm not even sure what I want
What right do I have to yearn
What right do I have to ask people of things
when I, myself can't provide for myself
What for do I want when I have what I need
What should I wish for?
For someone?
For something?
For what?
For myself?
For you?
For others?

I should really stop thinking
My brain is seriously working overtime
But it just can't stop
When it want to
Sub-conscious will take over
Sleep helps but little
Semi-conscious state is ultimately what I need
But I think I have become immune to its effects too
I like being semi-conscious
Sometimes, for once, I can see myself
I can worry just for myself
I can care for no others but myself
I can do things just for myself
that I, myself is the greatest

Perhaps I should go along with things
Let things happen according to how people expect
Expect me to compromise with them again and again
Expect me to help them always
Expect me to be there for them
Expect me to live with ttheir antics
Expect me to tolerate
Expect me to understand them always

Little do they know
How little, I wonder
Do I mean to the world
I can mean everything to the world
But ultimately?
I feel that I mean nothing in my own life
I'm like but a unknown figure passing through my own life
A life full of everybody else but me
Somewhere I'm just being different but don't stand out

I think I need a doctor
My chest hurts once again
It feels really tight
My dad said he had similar experience
But I'm afraid
I'm afraid that like him, I will have high blood pressure
I'm afraid of what my own life may bring
It's become so unpredictable
so much so that I don't know what will happen anymore
I may be able to predict for others
But for my own?
I just simple feel helpless
Who hasn't felt helpless before?
I had felt guilty when Kalai told us that Trina felt helpless
I had known that feeling myself
I understand totally how that feels
Why shouldn't I?

I was told to be independant when I was 6
I was told of the evils of the worlds when I was 6
I learnt that I will be alone when I was 8
I knew that nobody will help me when I was 9
I started making friends with helplessness when I was 4
I taught myself to overcome my fears when I was 5
I told myself that I had to believe in myself when I was 7
I taught myself to learn from everybody and everything that happened when I was 7
I realised that I'm most important to myself when I was 10
Ironically, what I went through in my sixteenth year during adam khoo's workshop
Was what I had taught myself over the years

Matured for my age?
I think not
I prefer to think that I think too much
I just want to be like others
Be more normal
Just be a little more sheep-like
Just behave like some spoilt brat
Just caring about myself
But I realise that its just not possible
Not that I can't do it
But just I can't bring myself to do it

I'm but another lost sheep
How do you expect me to lead you out?
While you're trying to figure youorself out
I had to help you
not because I had done my part
But because you need me to
Through relationship sharing
I realised that I feel nothing
about participants' parents quarelling
about how they feel when it happens
about how their siblings scold them for "no" reason
about the things that happen in their life
of which I thought was minute compared to others

Somehow, I just couldn't stop crying when I shared my story
If I'm not wrong, Woeitang probably was surprised that I was crying so hard
Can't blame him
He's used to seeing me simply smile at everything
or at least not crying
maybe just a tear or two
He probably thinks that I'm just like any other people
With a wonderful life of luxury
Well, he won't know
nobody would

People probably envy my life
that I get so many luxuries
so what?
Nobody knows what I've been through
Nobody knows what I am
Nobody knows how I'm like actually
Its really hard
to sudednly tell people how you had felt throughout the years
to suddenly have to let them realise that there are people out there worse than them
to suddenly have to make them feel guilty
I'm drained, physically
but mentally
I feel that I'm too strong even for my own good
It's bad
just real bad

I think I need help of some sort
Not those empty-headed listening ear type
But more of those more professional ones
That shall be decided on a later date
I need to stop recalling
I need to stop sounding like some stupid bitch raving and ranting
about their lives when it's all perfect

With a full-stop
I shall stop
No more words
No more thoughts
Those are but extra stuff
Which will add on to my pile.

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