Once again, the thoughts return. The exact thoughts which I fear might haunt me for the rest of my life. The thoughts which I had done my best to suppress. Thoughts which I want permanently erased from my memory. However, it does seems that I've failed.

A smile, a laugh, all seems to be so strained but I can just make it come out so naturally from my mouth. My acting skills have gone up a notch again? My mind, it's so complicated, it's so vulnerable. What more do I have to go through. I don't want to rant and rave to people or on my blog like other people. I wish I cna just clear my mind of evrything that had ever happened. how I want to start all over again. Right from the start I knew I didn't want my life to be like that. But I can't change it, can I? I don't want to be fake. But it seems now, that it's in my life.

My life looked back at me. It seems like a joke. I feel like a joke. One which purpose is to make others laugh. A jester probably has a better life than me. Life to others is of utmost importance. So is it to me. But somehow, it just doesn't seem to agree.

For God's sake, I'm still sick. not one day I had lived since SK3 closing have I recovered. My heart seems heavier after IAG3. God has blessed my with the wonderful people in my life. But payment always seems to arrive too quickly. I just wish He can give me some discount. At least credit card payment arrives at the end of the month. But His payment, arrives almost instantly. It's almost like the equal trade stated in Full-metal Alchemist. Equal trade, why of all people, do I have to that person who understands what it meant? I guess it doesn't matter since I have already survived 16 years of that. Sometimes, I wonder about the validity of my age. Sometimes, I just feel so much older than others either older than me or of the same age.

I'm afraid. I'm really scared. But nobody knows. I'm not even sure they would care because I'm not the 1st person they think of to laugh with, instead 1st to complain to. Maybe it's because they know that I won't tell it out. Maybe it's because they know that they can rant and rave at me without me interrupting them. How I wish I can do that to someone.

I'm tired of my chest pains. I'm tired of my joint pains. I'm tired of all the aches I get. I'm tired of my life. If only I can take a day off from my life. I'm so tired I can do nothing but sleep all day. Sometimes I just feel that I'm better off dead. It does seems so now that those thoughts came back. Lights downstairs are indeed very pretty, especially when you are standing alone high up, feeling so lonely, feeling so out, that you want to join the lights, as soon as possible. Thoughts of me jumping down, thoughts of me touching those lights, it's not like I've done it. All I lack is the courage to tell myself to put everything behind. I'm afraid that my friends would be affected. I'm afraid that my parents would be affected. Even though another part of my mind tells me that they wouldn't care.

Yiting, I'm tired of waiting for him to open his mouth and tell me what he wants to say. I'm sick of having to worry about how to go about telling him so that he gets the minimum hurt. I'm really tired. Guess what, he has new things to talk about again. According to Yen Ling, he collaborated with Priya saying that she is trying to stop me from doing what he told you to tell me to do.

I feel sick. Much as I know I'm not. It's been a month and my cough is still there. Perhaps it's here to stay? I don;t have any energy left. I just want to die and that's not because I'm trying to be emo.

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