Something tells me that I should change my blogskin, but I'm really lazy to go find something that's nice and attractive to me. Also, I haven't completed my week's and its end's homework. So, I think that I should put in more effort into doing my homework first before coming to change my blogskin. Suddenly, I think I rememebered telling myself that I will change my blogskin every month or something like that, but all I can say now is that, it will just have to depend on the situation. Sometimes, I just feel tired. Nevertheless, i still have to re-charge myself. And, I suddenly realised that I havn't gone to see Mr Leong, something I'm like supposed to do by last week.

Nevermind. I have more important things in my mind which I realise I have to decide and then push it to the back of my mind before I can do anything else. I feel that I should decide on my issue with coaching in December camps. I have realised that after coaching for June camps, that I might not want to go back to coach again, despite my great love for coaching. I know that I'm not the kind of person who would be willing to put everything away just so that I can focus on my passion. Yes, I really enjoy and love coaching but there are just certain issues that I just cannot forgo. And I'm not in the position to feedback to them about it because I know that I will or already did that somtimes. Thinking back on what Woei Tang said during the last night in apartment, "World Cup happens once every 4 years, but for the participants, this might happen only once in their lifetime." Too bad, this was the sentence which got me all assured that I need to revise my own decision. Not because of how Woei Tang says it or that what he's saying is wrong. But, I feel that Joshua, Stacie, Ervin, Alan and I shouldn't be the only people who get to hear this. But everybody needs to understand it. Even Woei Tang himself. Participants might be important but I feel that they need to realise that nobody lives FOR them.

Ultimately, I have no idea if I would really want to go back coaching or not. I just sucked at making decisions because I will just be constantly weighing the pros and cons, and everything just gets very complicated. I really don't want to go back there having the same feeling as I did all over again. I don't want to go there knowing that I will get the same thing all over again. I don't want to go there realising that anything little thing will make me falter in my choice of path. I don't want to have to make myself feel the same way again and again. I don't want myself to regret my decisions again. I don't want to have to be there for everything just because I have to help others. I don't to have to sort myself out again. I ultimately don't want to have to cry again.

A small note to Hwei Ting: I don't know if you would ever see this, but thanks for the concern that you've showed me. As for your question, the answer was yes, but I just didn't want Jeff to know. And if you think that you're nto trustworthy, you are. But the strongest person still feels afraid, and his/her natural reaction is always to cover it up. I really thank you for your concern.

I know what I want. I know what I want to do. I know what I like. I know what I love. But I just can't seem to overcome my fears. Yes, if I can't, then I must. But things aren't always as simple as that, life's really not just about focusing on your outcome. Life's is more about how you focus on your outcome and how you bend when problems appear. I don't want to have to convince myself that my decision is correct. I don't want to do what I did during IAG3 ever again. But, if I go back coaching, the same thing would just happen because I do it evry night in the apartment, it's just that nobody knows. I simply finish and clear up, then console myself and brace myself for the 'outer' world. I always seem to live for others, and that is really tiring. But, I guess this is me, I just have to do that, until I master how to live for myself. IAG3 rocked loads, but beneath the glorious ongoings, there are just somethings which would be preferred to be kept under wraps. It's always so disheartening when I start having negative views but still have to bring myself up and tell myself that evrything's going to be alright. Sometimes, I wish that I'm retarded or that I'm an immature brat. That is just so much better for they lead happier lives than me, well, at least they don't trouble themselves with such complex thoughts.

Choices have consequences, that I know from even before I'm 10. That's all that have been plaguing me and hindering in my process of deciding matters. I'm fed up by all my thoughts and the only thing that can help me is myself. Being able to help my dad is NOT something which I'm particularly proud of. I just want to be be able to think less and do more. I don't want to regret what I've decided.

Note to Yen Ling: He seems to notice something or that he seems to have realise something. Maybe he had worked out something on his own or that something just clicked, but I will stand by my decision. I maintain that he is not to know about it.

I don't want to have the re-make my decision. I don't want to learn that I'm not going to make it. I don't want to have to depend on others. I don't want to have the thoughts I finally got rid of for two years. I don't want to have to do what I need. I don't want to have to lice to myself again. I don't want to put myself to another test. I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to help others when I can't even do something right myself. I don't want to have regrets. I don't want to learn that I'm good at what I feel I'm good at. I don't want to be guessing everything right. I don't want to "feel" again. I don't want to learn again. I don't want to learn more about anything I don't need. I don't want to make myself accept everything. I don't want to make myself do what I know I need to. I don't want to make my own decisions. I don't want to tell myself what I should do. I don't want to have history repeat itself again and again. I don't want to lie to myself anymore.

I really want to out everything down. Now, I'm really, really, ultimately shagged. I just want to stop my thinkings, my decision-makings. I shall stop, and hope that my brain stops thinking with the end of this post. Which I, myself, know that it's not possible, but at least it will convince itself to shut down so that I can rest.

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